No Love But Full of Lies
by Lucathia Rykatu
Summary: [oneshot] Remus Lupin's musings on the day after the full moon.


No Love But Full of Lies  
  
  
By Lucathia

  
A/n: This is something I churned up really fast. I have never written a one-shot, so this is my try at it. I felt pretty depressed when I wrote this, so you know what that means. Let's have some pity, won't you? Please review. Tell me what you think about the fic. 

This fic originally had another name, but I didn't like it so I changed it.   
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 

  
  
That night, I gazed silently at the ever-so calm moon.  


  
I could feel her light swallowing in my very presence. She is the goddess of my life, the core of my existence. Her brightness contrasts my darkness, yet she controls all of me. The moon is my soul, the reason why I live, the reason why I love, and the reason why I lie. She is all of me, don't you understand?  


  
I slid down the trunk of the tree, feeling the rough bark rub against my robes. She controls my actions. I am forever her servant, yet...yet how I wish I can cut my ties with her! Gazing at the bright moon, I could feel the hate rising in me. That feeling of utter loathe defying my own thoughts...that heat possessing my body! I can't even control myself when I look at the moon. She just has that effect on me even when she's not at her peak. I am hopeless.  


  
Sighing to myself, I tried to quench the beast inside me before it got out of hand. That wouldn't be wise, would it? No...it would not have been wise to have that snarling, uncontrollable being in me take over my actions. Who knows what will happen if it does? Would I turn into a hateful person? A person without love, only anger? Would I base my actions only on hurting others?   


  
Of course, I don't know any of the answers to my own questions. Feeling exhausted both mentally and physically, I buried my head in my arms to muffle out her glaring presence. It was then that someone tapped me on my shoulder.  


  
"I thought you went home."  


  
He slid down the tree next to me and gazed at the moon, his black wisps blowing gently in the wind. Slowly, I raised my eyes. Inhaling the coldness of the night, I gazed back at the moon, willing to forget that just yesterday I had to let my other self possess me again. I will never be normal. I can't even appreciate the moon. I felt myself start to shiver involuntarily. I closed my eyes, listening to the creatures of the night humming away with their own business.  


  
"Cold?"  


  
I shook my head. I'm not cold at all. It's just the moon. It's just her control over me that's making me shiver. It's just her over-powering presence that I can shake off. She's swallowing me up...I am nothing more than another life compared to her.  


  
Glancing at him, I noticed he was still looking at the moon. How can he be so calm when he's looking at such a powerful force? She has so many minions bowing down before her...I wouldn't be surprised if my race isn't the only one doing so.  


  
"She's pretty ain't she?"  


  
I nodded slowly, yet I stayed silent in this one-ended conversation. How can I deny the fact that she's pretty? She's more than breath taking. Her grace...none of my words can describe her immense beauty. Yet she's still imperfect, is she not? Only for a few days of each year she's full and at her utmost beauty. And in those few days, she makes my life hell. She controls me utterly.  


  
We sat there in silence for quite awhile. I drowned in my own misery while he drowned in his own little world. I wish I could be like him. You know what I mean, don't you? He has such a perfect life, no worries. He's the quidditch star while I'm just a silent observer. He's loved by everyone, yet I'm ignored by everyone. I'm just the pale, sickly boy who sits in the corner. If it wasn't because I have him as a friend, no one would have even known I existed. Days like these I wish he was the one who didn't exist. I wish I can transform right now and sink my sharp canine teeth into his tender skin. I want him to suffer. I want him to suffer my pain. I want him to understand how hard it is to live and to love...  


  
See what I mean? I hate the moon. She makes me evil. She plants such evil thoughts into my mind. How can I think such horrid thoughts? He's my friend, my best friend, for heaven's sake! I shook my head furiously, trying to erase the tempting thoughts from my mind. Calm down...I am myself. I am no one's servant.   


  
  
I wish I could believe that.  
  


  
"Your robes are torn."  


  
His voice again shattered the ominous silence. He's just stating the most obvious things. Of course my robes are torn and tattered. What I went through yesterday would have torn anyone's clothes. How could they have stayed untouched anyway? It's a miracle they're still on me.  


  
I tore my eyes away from that wretched yet fascinating moon. I can't stand it anymore. I can't stand keeping this secret inside me forever. I can't stand being something I'm not supposed to be. I wish I could be normal.  
  
  
Wishes never come true.  
  
  
Weird, how he's not asking any questions about me. The only question he asked so far was if I was cold and if I thought the moon was pretty. Those are the only questions he asked. How can he be so calm? Doesn't he suspect anything? Or does he want to hear straight from me what I am? I can offer him no answers, only lies.  


  
"Why don't we head in? It's getting late."  


  
Exhaustion conquering me, I nodded and got up slowly. He got up with me and dusted off some grass from his robes. He smiled at me and I followed him inside into the dark hallways. I haven't even said a word to him this whole night. I've just kept to myself, pondering about the damn moon. Why can't I bring myself to fabricate another lie to cover up myself? Why? Is it because I've run out of lies? I chuckled. How can anyone run out of lies?  


  
He smiled at me again. Damn him. Why can't he just ask me? Why can't he put me out of my misery and just stop me from lying? I don't want to lie anymore, but I have to because I know they don't know what I am. I can't let them know what I am. They probably won't accept me.  


  
That night I went to sleep thinking about the moon. I went to sleep thinking about my lies and my loveless life. My life is based on lies. My very existence is based on lies. I have no love. I am a loveless beast. I fell asleep listening to the soft humming of the moon that only I can hear.  
  


I hate the moon.   
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
